NBA Draft Piker Presents: Derrick Williams

If you have heard even one NBA draft guru pontificating on Derrick Williams, you have probably heard that he is a tweener. Ewwwwwwwwww a tweener. Who wants that? Why can't he just be a power forward or a small forward? Why won't his stupid body choose one?

As long as we are willing to forget about everything we have ever seen on an NBA basketball court, the "Tweener's just suck" mantra is a perfectly good way to judge prospects. But let's take it even one step further, and actually examine NBA history for a moment. A cursory glance at Bill Simmons' pyramid of NBA greats leaves the mind positively tingling with shock! a 6'9" POINT GUARD who can guard every position? A 6'5" POWER FORWARD, somewhere north of 250 lbs? Who are these freaks of nature and what are they doing on a basketball court? They are Magic Johnson and Charles "The Round Mound of Rebound" Barkley. AGGGGHH Hall of Fame tweeners! And yes that semi-rippling physique below is the same brilliant blob of goo you see on TNT every night.

As if that wasn't proof enough let's play a quick round of NBA Tweener fantasy draft. I give you their oddball measurements, and you pick which tweeners you want! Help yourself to one serving from each pool.

Pool A: Frighteningly lengthy skinny guys who probably can't play either forward spot.....
#1 6'9", 230 lbs
#2 6'9", 240 lbs

Pool B: Too short to play shooting guard, too beefy to play the point?
#1 6'3", 210 lbs
#2 6'2", 205 lbs

Pool C: Tub of love small forwards who power forwards can probably shoot over with ease....
#1 6'8", 250 lbs
#2 6'8", 240 lbs

Scroll Down for Results!
















So who did you pick?

You picked all the #2's right...

Congratulations! You got Marvin Williams, Marcus Banks and Leon Powe, bon chance!


For those of you who chanced into team 1, congrats! You got Kevin Durant, Chauncey Billups, and LeBron. So yeah, if you are a tweener, you suck. It has nothing to do with how good you are at basketball, you just plain suck. And with that let's go to the tape on Derrick Williams!

Highlights - short version(click here if you have a job)
Highlights - long version (unemployed people I love you too, I know you are on your grind)

Crashing the boards, and whiskers on kittens,
Pull up 3-pointers, and warm woolen mittens,
Colossal slam dunks thrown down in transition,
These are a few of his favorite things.

So yeah he is a tweener, but in all the best ways! Watch him glide lazily into people's bodies and throw in deft bank shots! Watch him get stuffed going up to the rim, regather, then jump into the former shot-blocker's chest and flip it in, turning his would-be assailant into a crying child! Take in his calm, sweet 3-point stroke. Is his athleticism off the charts? No, it is on the charts. But after watching Zach Randolph rip through the Spurs without ever leaving the ground, we must remember that a hefty, fearless, determined dude with touch softer than a baby's bottom doesn't need to soar through the air to dominate. We've all played against that guy in a rec league, and it is not fun! Throw in the fact that, like Z-Bo, he drains outside shots and you have a serious offensive weapon. He likes flying around and blocking shots, and moves his feet well enough, and there are only a handful of legitimately tall power forwards who can score (ahhhhhhhh DIRK) so I deem him "not a liability" on defense. Let's go to the interview portion of tonight's show to make sure that unlike Z-Bo, young Derrick won't be having any run-ins with the law.

Interview.

Derrick Williams surprised me not so much by what he said, but how he said it. I don't know how else to put this, other than to say he sounds a bit like bugs bunny. All right, I'll stop being coy, the guy has a little baby lisp. This has nothing to do with basketball, it may however, have something to do with Derrick William's soul, qi, kami, personality, or whatever else you want to call it. He loves calling himself as an underdog, and apparently was lightly recruited out of high school. These are probably good things. His goal is to be rookie of the year. This is a good thing. He is soft-spoken, unexcitable, and in general seems like a well-adjusted, good humored, slightly lispy gentleman. He had me at, "ahhhh, I'd probably thay ummmmm the Duke game,"6 seconds in!

That is until he made it perfectly clear that he was only interested in playing small forward. WHYYYYYYY DERRICK! Don't give into the tyranny of the perimeter. LeBron has definitely sexified the small forward position waaaaay too much. As long as Williams is willing to crush his enemies in the post it doesn't matter what position he plays, but after that interview I am more than a little worried that he may get a bit Josh Smith bang-bang loco at times. NBA Draft Express notes that the most physically comparable player in their database is DaJuan Summers (eeeegads!), but that just means that Grandmama is not in their database. That's right the great Larry Johnson (6'7", 250 lbs) has already blazed the trail for young Derrick (6'7", 250 lbs) so long as he is ready to smash on people in the post like the great LJ, his future will be bright.


Darko Time!

Next up, Turkish delight Enes Kanter!