Welcome friends, NBA Draft fans, and the dozens of starry-eyed youths currently vying for a spot in Kyrie Irving's posse. Though I can't tell you who will be lucky enough to win entrance into that prodigious club, I can tell you exactly how good Kyrie Erving will be in the NBA. How?!?! you might ask. Aren't NBA GM's paid by the bushel to ponder such imponderables? Don't hundreds of scouts trot the globe to scientifically dissect each and every aspect of a young prospect's mind, body, and soul?
Well yes, they do. But if they knew what they were doing would we have Eddy Curry and his love handles going in the lottery? Stromile Swift? Michael "The Kandi Man" Olowokandi? Adam "Johnson's no more tears" Morrision? Hasheem Thabeet? I could go on.... And I will.... Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Frederic Weis, and please let us not forget Darko Milicic and Greg Oden. Of course the Blazers do have an airtight defense; if the history of the NBA draft has taught us one thing it is that you don't pass up a guy whose legs are different lengths, and is unsure whether he wants to be a dentist or an NBA center, so long as he has a good pilates gameface. Similarly, when you can get a bleached-blond Serbian teenager as phillosophical as Darko, "I think it’s difficult to compare us. It’s like apples to pears. Lebron plays the 2-3. I play the 3-4, so it’s different," you take him! Apples to pears indeed, Mr. Milicic!
But seriously, there must be a better way, no? Of course there is. Using 3 simple steps pioneered by Professional Basketball Scientist, and Peace Corps extraordinaire Benjamin Kvamme Conway, you too can be privy to the mystical secrets of each and every NBA draft prospect.
Step 0: pick a player! for the purposes of this post, we will use Kyrie Irving.
Step 1. Watch a highlight video of your chosen player on youtube. The longer the better, and unless the music is too unbearably bad shoot for the video with the most previous views. Reader beware, this is a HIGHLIGHT TAPE. If at any point during step 2 you find yourself watching Timofey Mozgov klutz his way into the missing third Klitschko brother and then stiffly bank in a layup, your chosen player probably isn't going to make it. Same thing goes for anyone raining in threes on guys who have yet to hit puberty, see the aforementioned Adam Morrison.
Step 2. Watch a long interview with your player on NBA Draft Express. Here are some useful questions you should be asking yourself during step 3:
Do i like this person?
Would I enjoy playing basketball with this person?
Would I trust this person with my grandmother?
Would I want this person to be in one of those Modern Warfare 2 style foxhole's with me?
And finally, does this person seem like he would rather be a dentist?
Answers for Tyreke Evans: no, no, heavens no, no, thankfully no. James Harden: yes, yes, yes, yes, no. You can see how step 2 separates the wheat from any wheat-like substances that may have gotten past step 1.
So without further ado, I give you Kyrie Irving.
Step 1: Highlights. The first red flag on Irving is that his highlight reel is all of 3 minutes long. I know, he played only one year at Duke, and was injured for 2/3 of the year. But until I get a good explanation of how either of those facts bodes well for Irving's NBA career I will continue to hold this against him. Bottom line, your highlight tape should be 2 or more seconds longer than Selena Gomez's "A Year Without Rain".
On the plus side, Irving looks like a great passer with quite a high basketball IQ. He only swishes one Jimmer style heave (or Gilbert Arenas style heave, for the NBA purists out there), and he is constantly looking to create open shots for his teammates
(somewhere Anderson Varejao is smiling). On the down side he does not look like a tremendous athlete. On a few different occasions he flies down the court on 2 on 1's and instead of going hard to the hoop and finishing with a thunderous explosion to the rim, he slows down and makes awkward passes to his teammates that may not cut it at the next level. As a point guard it is useful to know your physical limits (somewhere a team of bio-physicists are trying to enlighten Russell Westbrook on this topic as we speak), but Irving's limits are so readily apparent that we can rest assured Kyrie Irving will NOT be the best player in this draft. Reminds me of: Chris Paul playing with 3 pounds of lead in each shoe, Stephon Marbury, if he had gotten a lobotomy, Mike Conley.Step 2:
Interview
If you hadn't already taken my word for Irving's athletic limitations, let the man himself enlighten you:
Q: "If it wasn't for a rule, would you have tried to have gone pro out of high school?"
A: "Aw, no sir, no, no, no......It's just a different age now, a new generation, where our bodies aren't the same as back then, they were a new breed back then, as you can see in the NBA now, so I wouldn't have tried to come out. "
Q: "Can you make an immediate impact as a rookie?"
A: "Right now, I'm not sure"
"I guess some people see different things in me that I dont even see in myself sometimes."
He is practically pleading with NBA GM's and fans not to be judged against the standard or Chris Paul, Derrick Rose, Deron Williams, and Russell Westbrook. If he were headed to say the Knicks, or Mavericks, with talented guys around you might love these answers. However, as a likely top 3 pick you have to wonder about a guy who may not view himself as a franchise player. Have fun throwing nifty passes off of Samardo Samuels' chest, back, and face!
On the other hand he seems like a genuinely intelligent, well-spoken, hard-working guy, so it is difficult to imagine him flaming out Gerald Green style, or ever playing with Samaki Walker on Al-Jalaa Aleppo.
Do I like him? Yes.
Would I enjoy playing basketball with him? Unequivocal yes.
Would I trust him with my grandmother? Yes. He seems like he would be willing to at least pretend to try to learn the rules of bridge for an hour or so.
Foxhole test: Doesn't have enough of the Jordan/Kobe killer instinct, but he doesn't seem like he would be the guy to fall asleep on his watch either. Passes, but not with flying colors.
Would he rather be a dentist: Irving brings up a pact with his father which requires him to graduate from Duke in the next five years. This reminded me of Vince Carter right up until he was asked what would happen if he broke the pact: "That's a punishment that my father is going to have to come up with, five years from now I'm going to be 24, I'm going to be a pretty grown man, so, you know, no offense to my father, but the punishment- I think I can take it."
All in all, I am very confident Irving will be a good NBA player, and will not embarrass whichever franchise takes him. That said, there is almost certainly a better player in this draft. In the coming days and weeks we will continue using Dr. Conway's simple methods and uncover exactly who that better player might be.
Final note to David Kahn: Kyrie does NOT want to be in Minnesota:
Q: "Have you ever been to Minnesota, do you have any desire to do so?"
A:"They have connecting tubes everywhere."
Darko Time!
Next Up: The ephemeral tweener, Derrick Williams.
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