NBA Draft Piker Presents: Enes Kanter

Greetings draft fans! Before we apply the famed Conway method to the mysterious basketball creature that is Enes Kanter, I'd like to muse for a moment about two of my favorite topics: Turkey and rebounding!

First up, Turkey. Turkey is a lovely nation of over 70 Million folks, which was born of the Ottoman empire, and is wedged in at the confluence of Russia, the Balkans, North Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. Famous for it's secular Muslim government, soccer fanatics, and this weird thing, Turkey is also the proud home of 5 current NBA players, who can be easily lumped into two distinct groups. Group 1 consists of Hedo Turkoglu, and surfing fanatic Ersan Ilyasova, who stand around and shoot threes. Omer Asik and Semih Erden are large men that rebound and defend the low post. They comprise group 2. Almost forgot about Mehmet Okur, who certainly acts like he belongs in group 1, but may actually have taken a wrong turn on the road to group 2.

Next, rebounding. For those basketball novices among us, rebounding is the ancient art of catching missed shots. There are three simple philosophies that guide basketball players at all levels toward their goal of rebounding the basketball.

Phillosophy 1: the Zydrunas Ilgauskas. As the Big Z is clearly a probabilistic thinker, he always has one simple thought going through his mind at all times: "I am a 7 foot 3 Lithuanian man, if I stand here, near the basket, there is a very good chance a missed shot will fall to me." This philosophy only works if you are 7 feet tall. Below, Zydrunas in perfect rebounding position.
Phillosophy 2: the Gerald Wallace. Gerald, it seems, lives in the moment. He can't be bothered with rebounds until the ball bricks delicately off the rim, his cue to soar superman style at the thing and attempt to throw it down. Boxing out? Gerald is unfamiliar with this nonsense. After all, is it really a rebound if nobody gets posterized in the process? This phillosophy only works if you have supernatural athleticism. Watch Gerald lay a friendly egg on Kyle Korver's head here.

Phillosophy 3: the Nick Collision. Unlike Big Z and Gerald, Nick Collison, and his ilk, take a more steadfast, determined approach to their craft. Nick Collison devotes himself and every fiber of his being to rebounding, a samurai approach, if you will. While on the court, others think about that funny halibut they had for lunch, how badly they just missed a 3, or which club they will be attending that night, Collison seems to dwell on such minutiae as, "when Zach Randolph misses bank shots they tend to fall near the right block," or "If Shaq's heinie wasn't so darn large I'm sure I could get around him and get this rebound!" Players who master the samurai phillosophy of rebounding actually appear to have a magnet pulling the ball towards them at all times. On the right, a young Collison uses his mystical powers of magnetism to gather a rebound.

History's greatest rebounder, Dennis Rodman, combined the unique athletic advantages of Big Z and Gerald with a single-minded devotion to the samurai code of rebounding unmatched by any man or beast.

Now on to Kanter. Before viewing the highlights, you should know that from 2008-2009, Kanter was a "seldom used reserve" on Turkish professional team Fenerbahçe Ülker.
He then spent 2009-2010 as a student assistant coach at the University of Kentucky because he made 300 grand playing ball in Turkey, which apparently the NCAA frowns on. No word on why American college players are routinely allowed to accept money. Finally, scouts and NBA GM's have apparently seen him play once or twice. So dear reader, prepare to join the elite club I like to call "the world's 100 best informed Enes Kanter scholars".

Highlights.
Yikes. In English, the word for stiff is "Erick Dampier". In Greek it is, "Jake Tsakalidis". Apparently in Turkish the word is "Enes Kanter".

Ok that is a little bit harsh, but top 5 pick! This guy? These highlights are from the single game in which Kanter set the world on fire. Since then he has played little competitive basketball. Let the record reflect the following:
1. Kanter's rebounding phillosophy appears to conform most closely to Big Z. He spends the entirety of this clip standing flat-footed as the ball falls over the heads of high schoolers and into his hands.
2. Speaking of which, his hands were apparently carved out of some fine Turkish marble. he is nearly stripped at the beginning of the clip and fumbles before recovering on a few other occasions.
3. He can shoot. There I said something nice about Enes Kanter.

Skip to the 4:27 mark in the highlight video to watch Kanter and fellow EuroStiff Dejan Musli play volleyball.

Enough with the "highlights", on to the interview. Don't be deterred by the language barrier. If Ichiro has taught us one thing, it is that a true champion need not speak English the way most Americans do.

Interview.

Practically the first words out of Kanter's mouth are: "I don't have to hide anything," which he repeats for dramatic effect. This begs the obvious question, what on earth is Enes Kanter hiding? Aside from his lack of talent that is.

As Enes warms up, he shows that he is quite intelligent (he learned decent English in 6-7 months, cool!), and he absolutely kills the crowd with a hilarious zinger about American music being too fast to understand the words (3:25 in). Having gone to the University of Kentucky, he is surely referring to bluegrass music.

He also seems like he is an extremely hard working, determined guy, though he doesn't exactly pass the Greg Oden dentist test with flying colors. He seems really, really happy to be out of Turkey. So happy that you wonder how many unsettled gambling debts he has outstanding with former Fenerbahçe Ülker teammates. Basketball may not be this guy's top priority. If in 10 years he has a PhD in histology, like his father, don't say I didn't warn you. Ultimately, drafting Kanter seems akin to buying a lottery ticket. I'd say there is a 1 in 10 chance Kanter absolutely loves basketball, hates losing, and has the samurai rebounding mentality to boot. If that is the case then we have the Turkish Al Horford on our hands. Otherwise you have a mediocre, unathletic big man with decent shooting touch and little else. Which brings me back to Mehmet Okur.

Darko Time!

Up next: Brandon Knight, who may have introduced Enes Kanter to rap music.